her Majesty -
"The Queen of England"
To the citizens of
the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty;
Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded and all the Liberal majority thereof will be forced to undergo DNA and competency/IQ testing because of the growing suspicion of possible inbreeding. The Conservative minority will also be tested for the ever growing evidence of Discoloration (Yellow Stripe) down their backsides and their inability to stand up straight under pressure - i.e. "Spinelessness..
A questionnaire will be circulated in the year 2009 to determine whether any of the citizens of the former United States noticed the change in power.
To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency,
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. All Congressmen/women must look up the word 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary to alleviate any misunderstandings. All former U.S. citizens of the United States MUST look up the words; aluminum, Massachusetts, Illinois, linoleum, paprika and oil, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing these simple words.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut', 'through', though, night, and all the other words that have been shortened due to laziness. The suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. In addition, all "four letter words" that parents are trying to keep from their children's vocabulary will be removed from ALL dictionaries and NEW dictionaries will be printed with this omission including the word 'AINT'. Generally, all Americans, regardless of colour, creed or ethnicity will be expected to increase their vocabulary to more acceptable levels. (If needed please look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' 'UH' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize and many other fallaciousness it incorporates.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. No one seems to know why it is celebrated anyway.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse. There will be therapy and re-evaluation programs for all Lawyers when they have ceased to blubber.
6. Anyone, regardless of sex, caught molesting a child will be hung immediately until death occurs. Your cowardly, gutless Liberal judges will be "NO MORE"!!!
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of all roadway effective immediately. At the same time, you will be expected to use the metric system immediately without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Suck-it-up and get used to it. Remember it was your Liberal Inbreeds in Congress and the 42nd President of the United States who has refused to allow drilling for all the oil you Americans already have in abundance under your soil and water..
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar or mayonnaise. YUMMMM!!!.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Gywneth Paltrow attempt English dialogue in Shakespeare in Love was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. Not to forget Amy Zellweger's attempt to portray Bridget Jones. Also, Hollywood will be required to "Clean-up their act" or leave the country. i.e. Women will be required to wear underwear, be faithful to their husbands and basically show a little class or tell all the poor little teeny boppers who idealize them that they are nothing but a piece of Doo Doo.. Men will be refrained from molesting teen-agers and underage females or any other female other than their wives... They will also be required to show a little class and SHUT the F_____ up about politics and everything else they know NOTHING about. (which just about includes everything except "Make-believe") The Hollywood crowd take themselves Waaaay too Seriously and to quote the Brits pig latin; You (mostly deviates) are NOT so "Mucking-Futch!!! "
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football which of course is called soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of pussy Girly men). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. The English are still trying to prove that I, Queen Liz the II, killed poor Dianne.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776) and we will FIND you.
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4:00 pm with proper cups, with saucers, NOT mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
17. By the by, we do not intend to change your health care system because (and I hate to admit) it greatly surpasses ours.
God Save the Queen and pass this on to every corner of your kingdom!
BACK to TRIVIA PAGE